Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And ram was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
As CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2' floppy
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
- Author unknown
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish according to the strict order of things, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
"Born a Jew
Raised a Jew
Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the former Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
"Born a cow
Raised a cow
now a fish."
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and says she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "That was because I didn't recognize you."
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few mintues, God,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.
Thanks to Mary Ellen
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
-- Lily Tomlin
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
-- Marsha Warfield
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
-- Marilyn Pittman
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
-- Robin Williams
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
-- Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-- Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
-- Ellen DeGeneres
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money."
-- Kevin Meaney
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
-- Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
-- Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
-- Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
-- Rita Rudner
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
-- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
-- A. Whitney Brown
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
-- Michael McShane
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
-- Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
-- Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
-- Jack Mayberry
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
-- Elayne Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself."
-- Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?"
-- John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
-- Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
-- Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
-- Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
-- Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
-- Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
-- Rita Mae Brown
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
-- Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
-- Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
-- Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
-- Drew Carey
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
-- Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
-- Bill Maher
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
-- David Letterman
"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."
-- Bob Saget
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
-- Jay Leno
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
-- Billiam Coronell
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' "
-- Larry Miller
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war - pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
-- Lynda Montgomery
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
-- Steven Wright
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
-- Johnny Carson
"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
-- John Mendoza
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
-- Bruce Baum
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
-- Steven Wright
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
-- Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
-- Johnathan Katz
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
-- Richard Jeni
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
-- Steven Wright
"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'Shit! A truck!' "
-- Emo Phillips
And yes, forwarded from a Montana resident)
1200 persons attended the recent International Psychic Society conference.
Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)
Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)
Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Montana."
Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
Attendee: " Oh, I thought you said "goat."
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After pre-school
the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier.
-- Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four
times, they will bite your lips!
And they don't let go for at least a minute.
-- Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used
to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day.
-- Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like
you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out.
She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
-- Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the
optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun.
-- Megan, Age 14
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Turn off the cold water.
If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new onem makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.
Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that’s the way it’s always been around here."
Thanks to L. Rodney Ford via Douglas V. Taylor.
A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
I am writing in response to your rejection of my $37.000 claim for medical bills. Notice in the original report, block 17, I gave trying to do the job alone, as the cause of the accident. Your letter ask for a more thorough explanation so here it is.
As a brick layer I was doing a job on the sixth floor of an unfinished office building. At 4:30 The electricians, carpenters, and lift operator went home. I was almost done so I stayed another 15 minutes to finish up. When I finished I noticed that I had about 500 lbs. of bricks left over. At 50 lbs. a load, this meant 10 six story round trips. Thinking there must be a better way to get the bricks, I looked around and spotted a 2X4 A frame on the edge of the building with a rope, pulley and a barrel the carpenters used to haul up their hand tools. I looked over the side and noticed that some idiot had not secured the rope at the ground level. I went to the ground and secure the rope with a slip loop hitch. I then returned to the sixth floor, pushed the barrel over the edge of the building and carefully loaded the bricks into it. Then I went to the ground and to assure a slow descent of the bricks I hooked my arm and one leg around the rope and pulled the slip loop. Please notice in block #9 of the report that I weigh 155 lbs. I was yanked off the ground so swiftly that I didn't have the presence of mind to let go until it was way too late.
At exactly the middle of the third floor I met the barrel, it was coming down. This will explain the skull fracture and the broken collar bone. Fortunately, I kept my head and hung tightly onto the rope. When I got to the sixth floor, four fingers on my right hand went through the pulley. This will explain the 7 finger fractures and related lacerations. Again however, I kept my head and hung tightly onto the rope. At approximately the same time an unfortunately thing happened, the bottom came out of the barrel. The barrel now weighed 19 lbs and I still weighed 155 lbs. as you might have guessed, I now began a rapid descent. Once again in the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel again. This time it was coming up .This should explain the two broken ankles and a laceration starting at the right ankle and ending near the right ear. Fortunately the encounter with the barrel at the third floor slowed my descent enough to reduce the impact of landing on the bricks. Only three vertebra were crushed. I am sorry to report that as I lay there in pain I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The barrel weighing considerably more than the rope came whistling down. Luckily I heard it coming and leaned back so it only broke both legs at the shins. Now that you have the complete report.
Please tell me ---THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL .
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a a row----the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake:
For Sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 946-0707 after 7 pm and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
Notice: We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 946-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 pm.
Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying phone calls because of the error we made in the "Classified" ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 946-0707 after 7 pm and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 946-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper, but she quit!
Isn't this a stitch, no pun intended!
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
"It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said,
"Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
A man returned home from work to find his dog flat on the driveway. He couldn't find any sign of life but took the dog to the vet anyway.
The vet examined the dog and called to his assistant, "Bring Tabby in here!" Tabby, a cat, was brought in and he immediately went to work carefully sniffing the dog from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. Then he walked off.
The vet said, "Yes, I'm afraid your dog is dead."
"Oh, dear, dear," said the man. "Well, how much do I owe you?"
The vet replied, "$825.00".
"What??!!" said the man.
The vet replied, "Yes, $825.00. That's $25.00 for the visit and $800.00 for the cat scan!!"
Three blonds died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them
that they can enter the gates, if they can answer one simple question.
He asks the first blond, "What is Easter?"
The blond replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful.
"Wrong!" replies St Peter and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same queston, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde repllies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blond smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is" "Oh?" says St. Peter, increduiously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later decieved and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out . . . and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart
woman with a dumb guy.
-- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me
she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD
for 36 hours.
-- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was
kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
-- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho
and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
-- Judy Tenuta
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to.
-- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
-- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because
it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?
-- Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore I'm single.
-- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
-- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
-- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
-- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as
an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted
as a male schlemiel".
-- Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman."
-- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
-- Gloria Steinem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they
should live next door and just visit now and then."
-- Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home,
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every
morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at
-- Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
-- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
-- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah," he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" .. "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process, I asked, "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon.
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News
STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS The
WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?
The Houston Chronicle
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just one sentence:
"Thaw the Chicken"
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.... And there was no Ark.
"Noah," asked the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems."
"First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. God asked Adam what was wrong. Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to so God decided he would give him a companion, and it would be a woman.
God told Adam that the woman would cook for him, wash his clothes, and always agree with every decision he made. She would bear his children and never ask him to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She would not nag him, and would always be the first to admit she was wrong during a disagreement. She would never have a headache, and would freely give him love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked God what would a woman like this cost him? God told him, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "What can I get for a just a rib"?
The rest is history.
10. Cat's facial expressions
09. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors
08. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
07. Fat clothes
06. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time
05. The difference between beige, off-white, ecru and eggshell
04. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
03. Eyelash curlers
02. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the #1 thing only women understand:
01. Other women
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in
danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew
became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the
pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the
captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the
day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain
and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain
can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The
men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate
ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Cheryl, a blonde, just got out of the tanning salon. She was getting pretty
desperate for money so she decided to go to a nice, affluent neighbourhood and
look for odd jobs as a handywoman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Cheryl, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure, that sounds great!" said Cheryl.
"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah, that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
An hour later, Cheryl knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed, "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Cheryl replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Cheryl.
"Oh, by the way," said Cheryl, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he
is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in
the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he
sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills
them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in
cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take
those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know
how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done - not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do
Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12
" Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you have a lot to live for - I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me" "He sure is lady," said the captain." This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.
On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
The only thing the IRS has not taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time, it's hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it's pissed off, 30% of the time it's hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of all this, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1998, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3 of the standard 1040P form.
10 to 12 Inches
8 to 10 inches
6 to 8 inches
4 to 6 inches
by Matt Groening
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women' magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:.mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical and they never lie.
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really matter.
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mmhmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause.
And so on.
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
It was a bitter cold evening in northern Virginia many years ago. The old man's beard was glazed by winter's frost while he waited for a ride across the river. The wait seemed endless.
His body became numb and stiff from the frigid north wind. He heard the faint, steady rhythm of approaching hooves galloping along the frozen path. Anxiously, he watched as several horsemen rounded the bend. He let the first one pass by without any effort to get his attention. Then another passed by, and another. Finally, the last rider neared the spot where the old man sat like a snow statue. As this one drew near, the old man caught the rider's eye and said, "Sir, would you mind giving an old man a ride to the other side? There doesn't appear to be a passageway by foot." Reining his horse, the rider replied, "Sure thing. Hop aboard." Seeing the old man was unable to lift his half-frozen body from the ground, the horseman dismounted and helped the old man onto the horse.
The horseman took the old man not just across the river, but to his destination, which was just a few miles away. As they neared the tiny but cozy cottage, the horseman's curiosity caused him to inquire, "Sir, I notice that you let several other riders pass by without making any effort to secure a ride. Then I came up and you immediately asked me for a ride. I'm curious why, on such a bitter winter night, you would wait and ask the last rider. What if I had refused and left you there?"
The old man lowered himself slowly down from the horse, looked the rider straight in the eyes, and replied, "I've been around these here parts for some time. I reckon I know people pretty good." The old-timer continued, "I looked into the eyes of the other riders and immediately saw there was no concern for my situation. It would have been useless even to ask them for a ride. But when I looked into your eyes, kindness and compassion were evident. I knew, then and there, that your gentle spirit would welcome the opportunity to give me assistance in my time of need."
Those heartwarming comments touched the horseman deeply. "I'm most grateful for what you have said," he told the old man. "May I never get too busy in my own affairs that I fail to respond to the needs of others with kindness and compassion."
With that, Thomas Jefferson, President of the United States, turned his horse around and made his way back to the White House.
From Brian Cavanaugh's The Sower's Seeds
The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a tall tree, touching tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.
Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
(The scary part is how many of these are true!)
21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses. Conversely, the only way you keep in touch with your family is by email.
19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
18. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that usually get crossed off.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore. (Who else misses Tang?).
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. Let's slow down!
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 9
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the away he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 581
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
by Erma Bombeck
When the good Lord was creating mothers He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around with this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; Have 180 moveable parts... all replaceable; Run on black coffee and leftovers; Have a lap that disappears when she stands up; A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair; And six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, "What are you kids doing in there?" when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, "I understand and I Love You" without so much as uttering a word."
"Lord", said the angel, tugging His sleeve gently, "Come to bed. Tomorrow..."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get a nine-year-old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You. You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "it's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
A smart rear just don't fit in a saddle.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
Maybe. Could this one be too good to be true? Worth a chuckle.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -Age 13
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. -Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -Age 6
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. -Age 10
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for The Queen of England. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. -Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -Age 10
Home is where the house is. -Age 6
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5
I once thought that I heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." It was just a lawn mower. -Age 11
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. -Age 14
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize World peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -Age 15
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
A Nun in Japan coming home to the US is at the airport and has some time to kill. She sees a fortune telling machine and decides to see what it has to say. She deposits her money and the card comes out and says, "You are a Nun, age 31, and you have gas." She knows she does have gas so she goes to the restroom.
She comes back to the fortune telling machine and tries again. The card comes out and says, "You are a Nun, age 31, and you still have gas."
She goes back to the restroom again. She returns to the fortune telling machine and tries again. The card comes out and says, "You are a Nun, age 31, and you have been farting around and missed your flight."
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'"
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
Gay, straight ... they all want blow jobs.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
This guy from out of town walks into a local bar for a drink. After about 2 steps, he realizes he's in a gay bar, but he thinks, "What the heck, all I really want is a beer." And, he takes a seat at the bar.
The bartender approaches and says, "What's the name of your penis?" To which the guy replies, "Look, all I want is a beer. I'm not into all of that." The bartender says, "I'm sorry. House rules and all that. I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So, the guy looks to his right and asks the customer next to him, "So, what's the name of yours?" The customer takes a swallow from his beer and replies, "Timex." The thirsty visitor asks, "Why Timex?" The customer says, "Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin."
He was a little shaken by the answer, but he turns to his left to the customer on his other side and asks, "And, what's the name of yours?" That customer is sipping on one of those fruity red-colored drinks with an umbrella stuck in it. He says, "Well, I call mine Ford." The guy thinks about it for a moment. "I guess you call it Ford because quality is job 1?" he asks. "No," says the gay patron, "But let me ask you, Have you ridden a Ford lately?" Now, he's even more shaken, but he's still thirsty and wants that beer.
So, he realizes he must give the bartender a name for his penis. And, he tells the bartender, "Well, the name of my penis is Secret. Now, can I have a beer?" The bartender retrieves a nice cold one and pours it for the visitor. He looks a little puzzled himself and asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says, "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the salesclerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" Inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"There are three types," replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asks "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Once when he was walking in the city young Bill Davis saw an elderly man's hat get blown off by the wind; the poor guy was trying to chase the hat when Bill ran, caught the hat and returned it to the old man, who turned out to be a rabbi and said "Thank you, son, may God be good to you." Bill felt this blessing from a rabbi was a good omen, so he went to the Suffolk Downs to try his luck.
When he got home that evening, he told the story to his wife.
--Amazingly, I saw that each of the next 3 races had a horse with a hat name: Fedora, Panama, Stetson. So I decided to bet $2 on a Trifecta - all three horses won and I won a bundle.
-Wow, how much did you win? Where is it?
--Well, I saw the next race also had a hat name in it so I bet the whole bundle on it -- and lost it.
-Aw... What was the horse's name?
-Ooh, you dummy! The French word for hat isn't Chateau, it's CHAPEAU! And which horse won the race?
--Some nag with a Japanese name: Yarmulka!
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal, was walking through Washington, looking for any kind of guidance.
He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and asks, "George, you were always wise. What should I do?" Lo and behold, a voice comes from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President, thinks he'll try it again.
He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to America's author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kinds of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?" Again, a voice from above answers, "WELFARE IS NOT WORKING; ABOLISH IT; START OVER."
After hearing this Clinton is so excited he plans to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help.
People are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?" After a substantial pause, Abe responds: "TAKE THE DAY OFF AND GO TO THE THEATER."
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church, sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Wins ton Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".
"Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. Would you like to see it?" "50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It’s a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a hell of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift he surely would enjoy and she’d never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift.
Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he’d try it out that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she’d never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to see what was going on. When she got up to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through a cookbook. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!"
The French were overwhelmingly favored to win the Battle at Agincourt. The French threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance.
The question: What was this body part?
Thank you for the Agincourt "question", which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck the yew! Pluck yew!"
Over the years some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say (like 'pleasant mother pheasant plucker', which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative "f", and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew everything!!!
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, his back against a tree. As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of it, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman. Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad ... but it's nice ta'see y'won first prize!"
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes.
He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!" the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say . . . LOOK, HE'S MOVING !!!!!"
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol
Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering (Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.)
I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie (Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.)
An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"
A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the hell," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go!" The man thinks for a moment and says ... "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer, and you were trying to give her back."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smirk on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular… "I guess we've answered that question."
Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn't get the attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea. "Why don't we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room?" The second woman agreed that this might work.
The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way.
One man turned to the other and said, "Joe, was that Irma that just ran past us?" The other one said, "I think so, but what the hell was she wearing?"
The first one said, "I don't know, but it sure needs ironing!"
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submittals...
President Clinton had been walking around the White House and going to public and private meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies underwear on his left arm. Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and of course wondered what was going on.
Finally, at an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough to ask the President why he had a pair of ladies panties on his arm.
The President looked genuinely surprised, and replied, "Oh. That. It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I make it to Heaven?"
"Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."
Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replies.
"What word?" she asks.
"Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E."
St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter instructs her to require any new comers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gate.
It is her husband!
"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"
Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."
"Not just yet," the woman replies.
"First you must spell a word."
"What word?" he asks.
1. FOOD ON FOOT - All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory related to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor like electricity. Walking apprears to accelerate this process so that an ice cream bar or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit.
2. TV FOOD - Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage which negates not only the calories in the food but all recollections of having eaten it.
3. UNEVEN EDGES - Pies and cakes should be cut neatly in even wedges of slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten the edges" by slicing away the offending irregulrities which have no calories when eaten.
4. BALANCED FOOD - If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
5. LEFT-HANDED FOOD - If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other had has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at the cocktail party (see food on food). Then there's the electronic field - a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. It's not quite known how it works, but it's reversible if you're left handed.
6. FOOD FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES - Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts. Foods such as hot chocolate, french toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
7. WHIPPED CREAM, SOUR CREAM AND BUTTER - These all act as a poultice that actually "draws out" the calories when placed on any food leaving them calorie free. Afterwards, you can eat the poultice also because all calories are neutralized by it.
8. FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS - Sausage, cocktail franks, cheese and crackers are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out of the bottom.
9. CHILDREN'S FOOD - Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range beginning with a spoonful of baby food custard consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including cookies baked and sent to school.
10. CHARITABLE FOODS - Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cakes, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.
11. CUSTOM MADE FOOD - Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded.
Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it?
Don't look down!
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
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1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries ... it's a long walk."
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Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his insurance from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I?" "Just use copier paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up.
So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
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One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
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I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
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I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen."
"How do they know what size screen I have?"
A while ago I entered a store to buy some envelopes. I noticed that a 100-pack was more expensive than ten 10-packs. I asked why, and got this response: "Because we don't sell so many of the 100-packs."
I just attended a "Technical Architecture Course," given by a highly paid consultant. After seeing slides upon slides with words like "prewrote," "summarization," and "stateful," she came to a sequence with "transactionality" scattered throughout. As an aside, she complained, "You know, it's interesting. Microsoft Word doesn't know any of these computer words. It marks them as misspelled."
There was some reorganization in my office recently. I ended up exchanging cubicles (and thus phone numbers) with an individual in my office. A few days later, the individual calls my name over the cubicle wall. He tells me he has a phone call for me, and asks what my new phone number is so he can transfer it.
This story from a student proves that the children are our future
One day I brought a pocket translator to class in order to help with my foreign language studies. Another student was interested in it and wanted to try it.
I showed him, using several examples, how to enter an English word and get its translation.
Simple enough? Evidently not.
He entered "ABC" and complained that it would not give him a translation. I explained that "ABC" was not a word. I told him he had to enter a common English word. So, he tried again. This time he entered "TIM". Again he complained that the translator did not work. I told him that "TIM" was a name, not a common English word. He protested, saying that Tim was his name and his name was English. I am concerned about the future of our species.
The company where I work services cargo access equipment on ships. After each service job, a report must be filed listing the ship's name, location, and summary of the work performed.
One of our service engineers was writing his report on a recent job, but was unsure of the ship's name. His boss told him to read the name off the stern of the ship.
The report came back with the ship name listed as "Beware Of Propeller."
I was performing tech support over the phone. After ten minutes of helping an Individual through some edits to files to fix a problem, we got to this point:
Me: "Locate the 'Oracle Programs for NT' group off the start menu."
Me: "Do you see the SQL Worksheet program?"
Me: "Open it, then enter the user, password and connection string."
Me: "See the large frame at the bottom? Enter this SQL statement."
Me: "Now run it and tell me what comes back."
Me: "So what came back?"
Individual: "I don't know."
Me: "What do you mean, 'I don't know'? Can't you read what is on the screen?"
Individual: "I'm not at the computer."
We switched janitorial services in my office building. After the change we frequently ran out of towels before the end of the day. The new janitorial Individuals just wouldn't put enough towels in the dispenser. An escalating e-mail campaign finally resulted in management action: an additional paper towel dispenser was installed.
The janitorial crew still leaves the same inadequate number of towels; they just split them between the two dispensers.
The travel agency in the first floor of the building where I work decided that they would hold a barbeque for employees on Friday afternoon. That morning the boss was told that it was illegal to barbeque outside of an office building, so the boss moved the grill to the company kitchen and proceeded to grill the burgers. The smoke set off the fire alarms and the entire building had to be evacuated. He then argued with the fire fighter about whether or not the fire was "intentional" (Note: During the argument he was wearing an apron that said "I'm the chef" and holding the grill tongs!)
My dad is an engineer. This is a true story. I was 12 years old at the time.
My little sister spilled juice in the back seat of our car, leaving a large red stain.
That weekend, Dad and I went to a car wash that has one of those high-pressure nozzles. He decided to get the stain out by using the nozzle on the upholstery. He crawled into the back seat with the nozzle and started spraying away. Result: A much larger stain, and four inches of water on the floor of the car.
He didn't want to get in trouble with his wife for leaving water in the car, so we drove around for a couple of hours, on wet upholstery with our feet in water, until he came up with the perfect solution.
We went to an abandoned parking lot. My dad told me to keep my seatbelt on and to hold the passenger side door open with my leg. He did the same with the driver's door. He then drove as fast as he could in a circle, hoping that the centrifugal force would force the water out. (It didn't.)
We spent the rest of the day with towels, soaking up water from the floor and wringing them out (and repeating, and repeating...) We never got all the water out of the upholstery, and it got moldy. The smell finally got too bad for my stepmother, and she made him sell the car.
I'm a physician. One day in our clinic, a patient passed out. The doctor determined that the patient needed to be transported to the ER, one flight up, for further evaluation.
Our clinic just moved into a new facility. We soon discovered that our gurneys do not fit in our elevators. Oops!
So we called the paramedics to come transport the patient across the patient parking lot, to an outside door to the ER.
The parking attendant would not allow the paramedics to transport the patient until they coughed up the 50-cent parking fee.
[Editor's note: How many Individuals can you find in that story?]
At the grocery store, I asked the store manager about the ecological soundness of the plastic take-out sacks. "Do they break down?" I asked.
He replied, "No, they'll hold up to sixty pounds."
"No," I said," I mean will they take up space in a landfill."
"No," he said, "they'll flatten right out."
We had a computer consultant who was hired because he was a friend of somebody in the department. He didn't know much, so he was getting paid considerably less than such people are frequently paid.
He tried to fix a problem on a VP's computer, and couldn't figure it out. The VP inquired about him, found out that he was getting paid less than other consultants, and demanded that he be replaced with a more expensive consultant.
They signed the same guy up for three times the money.
[Editor's note: Some new cars are equipped with a knob that generates income when you turn it, as in this story.]
My husband is the service manager at the local automotive shop. A customer came in complaining that the air conditioner on his brand new car was not working and he needed to get it serviced. My husband looked at it for a moment, turned the temperature control off of "heat," charged the man $60 and sent him on his way.
There is a store in our office building called "Legs Beautiful." They sell upscale women's hosiery. Last year they extended their hours of operation. To inform people, they placed several signs around the retail area of the building that said:
"Legs Beautiful. Now Open Longer."
The hotel desk clerk took my credit card, made an impression, handed the card back to me, and put the charge slip in the drawer (unsigned).
Trying to be helpful, I asked "Do you want to sign that now." He said, "Oh, yeah." He then took my charge slip out of the drawer, set it on the counter, carefully signed it, and placed it back in the drawer.
I'll admit I was too dumbfounded to say anything, but I never got charged for the room.
The instructions for a prescription I recently picked up are:
INSERT 1 SUPPOSITORY PER RECTUM TWO TIMES A DAY.
I work in an international division of my company. When they moved us to our overseas location in Asia, part of the package was a $4,000 payment to handle "other miscellaneous" international moving costs.
One of the people who joined our group was moved from Europe. He received a $2,000 payment. When he asked the relocation manager why he got half as much as the Americans, he was told that it was because he already lived international.
A co-worker who was travelling on business discovered that she had been assigned a smoking room at the hotel, despite specifying a non-smoking room. So she called down to the front desk to find out what happened.
The Individual at the front desk put her on hold for several minutes so she could check. Finally she returned with the following response:
"Oh, it's EITHER."
My coworker said she was happy to find out it wasn't a mandatory smoking room.
One day in Advanced Placement Chemistry, our teacher was lighting rubbing alcohol on fire to prove that it burns quite nicely. When he left to get some more alcohol, one of the brilliant students said that alcohol was what actors used to light themselves on fire. Another student demonstrated by dousing his hand with the alcohol, then applying a lit match.
The resulting fire was nice, for about 5 seconds, when the alcohol burned off and started burning his hand. Needless to say, he began running wildly, flaming hand preceding him.
[Editor's note: On the scale of Individuality, lighting yourself on fire is very near the top.]
My company was about to go through some layoffs. The list apparently was finalized and would be released on the following Friday. The final list of down sizees was a well kept secret within the upper echelons of management.
However, luckily for the common cubicle workers, some Individual decided that the new phone directory needed to be released on Monday, sans those who would receive the axe on the following Friday. Needless to say, some people received an added bonus of an extra week of vacation before termination.
The kicker of this tale is that the person who published the phone list did not appear in the latest release either.
A friend of mine recently was given a dockable laptop computer to use in and out of the office. While at work, it's hooked up to a full-size monitor and mouse. One weekend, she took the laptop home to catch up on some correspondence.
Monday morning, she forgot to bring the computer back in with her. After about an hour in her office, she called the tech support guy and asked, "Um, how do I turn on my computer without that keyboard thing?"
Men think computers should be referred to as females, just like ships, because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Women think computers should be referred to as male. Here's why:
1. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time, they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.
1998 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This guy walks into an elegant restaurant and takes a seat. The waitress walks up to take his order...
Waitress: "What can I get you today sir?"
Man: "Oh, I guess I will have a quickie!"
Waitress: "Pardon me sir!!!"
Man: "Quickie, I will have a quickie!"
The waitress slaps the hell out of the guy, and storms off to another table. While the guy is sitting there wondering what in the world happened, the man at the table behind our hero leans over and says, "Excuse me sir, but I believe that is pronounced Quiche!!"
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Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going. "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
You know you are having a bad day when you discover a Tampon stuck behind your ear...and you can't find your pencil!
The following food for thought was taken from ERIC Search-United Nations Demographic Data, 1985 and shared with us by MPV PEGGY SIMON:
"...If we could at this very moment shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100, while maintaining all the existing human ratios, the results would be as follows:
There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 Western Hemisphere people (North and South Americans) and 8 Africans.
70 of the 100 would be non-white, 70 would be unable to read, 50 would suffer from malnutrition, 80 would live in substandard housing, 70 of the 100 would be non-Christian, 30 would be Christian and 1 would have a university education .
Half of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people, and all 6 would be citizens of the United States.
When one considers the world from such an incredibly compressed perspective, the need for both understanding and tolerance becomes apparent."
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid to wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
FACT: As geese flap their wings, they create an "uplift" for the birds that follow. By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock adds 71 % greater flying range than if each bird flew alone.
LESSON: People who share a common direction and sense of community get where they are going quicker and easier when they lift each other up along the way.
FACT: If a goose falls out of formation, it feels the drag and resistance of flying alone. So it quickly moves back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front of it.
LESSON: If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stay in formation with those headed where we want to go.
FACT: When the head goose tires, it rotates back into the formation and another goose flies to the point position.
LESSON: It pays to share leadership and take turns doing the hard work.
FACT: Geese flying in formation honk to encourage those up front to keep up the pace.
LESSON: It is important that our honking be encouraging, otherwise it is - just - honking.
FACT: When a goose gets sick, wounded, or shot down, two geese drop out of formation to follow it down to help and protect. They stay with it until it dies or is able to fly again.
LESSON: When one of us is down, it's up to the others to stand by us in our time of trouble.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in the view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted - it will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer by afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of the international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number!
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all evil people are deotroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping and there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters on board, and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
'Right now, I'm trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another 5 years."
Then the sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked hopefully.
"No," the Lord said sadly. "The government already has."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated best e-mail of 1997. This is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Room Service: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine"
Room Service: "Hokay. An San tos?"
Room Service: "San tos. July San tos?"
Guest: "I don't think so"
Room Service: "No? Judo one toes??"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
Room Service: "Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bothher?"
Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bother?"
Guest: "No..just put the bother on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?"
Guest: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Room Service: "Copy...tea...mill?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tendjewberrymud"
Guest: "You're welcome"
And finally ...
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The star catcher grinned and whispered a plan, "I'll catch all the stars that I possibly can. Then give them to all of my friends so they will truly see how sparkling and special they are to me."
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Like each individual star....Your friendship brightens my world.
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broke...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
A man and his wife are visiting Mexico and go to the local restaurant for dinner. They can't seen to decide on what to have so they spend a lot of time looking over the menu. While they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a big platter. He is accompanied by two or three waiters and with much ceremony, they place the platter on the next table and uncover it to reveal two rather large rounded pieces of meat surrounded by vegetables and lots of garnish.
The man and wife ask their waiter what that was all about and the waiter explains that the next table was just served the house specialty-the testicles of the bull from the day's bullfight. The man and his wife ask for the same dish and the waiter explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they can't have that dish tonight, however, they could be the persons of honor tomorrow night and that makes the couple happy.
They return the next day and await the feast. There is the trumpet fanfare, and the big procession and all the hoop-de-do and they set the platter down and uncover it only to reveal two rather small morsels.
When the man asks the waiter, " what gives--yesterday's were so much larger?" To which the waiter replies, "Well senor, you must understand, some days the bull wins."