Two brunettes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one brunette asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are - very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."
And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her
Colic..........................A sheep dog
Coma...........................A punctuation mark
D&C............................Where Washington is
Dilate.........................To live long
Enema..........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.........................A small lie
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node...........................I knew it
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.................A letter carrier
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery
Rectum.........................Damn near killed him
Tablet.........................A small table
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose.......................Near by/close by.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.
Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains things you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and..
(Z)aps you back to reality
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if your sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
A ninety-year old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What is wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love...At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I FORGOT WHERE I LIVE!"
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her 10 carat diamond ring, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, and then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." This perspective has helped me to see that there is no "way" to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until the first or fifteenth, until your ship comes in, or until you're born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Thought for the day: "Work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching."
See if you can figure out how it's done.
A perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling**
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen
I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on.
A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance."
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.
The woman answered first: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins..."
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
First Day of College
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Did you know this about Bounce?
INTERESTING AND HELPFUL!!!!!
Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
Eliminate static electricity from your television screen:
Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
Dissolve soap scum from shower doors:
Clean with a used sheet of Bounce.
Freshen the air in your home:
Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.
Prevent thread from tangling:
Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing.
Eliminate static cling from pantyhose:
Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.
Prevent musty suitcases:
Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
Freshen the air in your car:
Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
Clean baked-on food from a cooking pan:
Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agents apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
Eliminate odors in wastebaskets:
Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
Collect cat hair:
Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds:
Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sandpapering:
A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
Eliminate odors in dirty laundry:
Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
Deodorize shoes or sneakers:
Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell great in the morning.
"Bounce" is a registered trademark of Procter & Gamble.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said, So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Like the little old lady who returned
~ your wallet yesterday.
Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes
~ light up the world, when you smile.
Like the small child who showed you
~ the wonder in simple things.
Like the poor man who offered to
~ share his lunch with you.
Like the rich man who showed you that it
~ really is all possible, if only you believe.
Like the stranger who just happened to come along,
~ when you had lost your way.
Like the friend who touched your heart,
~ when you didn't think you had one to touch.
Angels come in all sizes and shapes,
~ all ages and skin types.
Some with freckles, some with dimples,
~ some with wrinkles, some without.
They come disguised as friends, enemies,
~ teachers, students, lovers and fools.
They don't take life too seriously,
~ they travel light.
They leave no forwarding address,
~ they ask nothing in return.
They wear sneakers with gossamer wings,
~ they get a deal on dry cleaning.
They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, But
~ they are everywhere you look, when you choose to see.
~ God Bless All The Angels Of The World ~
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me!
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: I'd thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist.
He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.
The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.
Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns.
The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet. "Roll over," and the dog rolls over.
By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.
"Sure," replies the evangelist.
"Heel," says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man's forehead and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies "Yes checking for abnormalities."
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."
Finally, he tells her take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the 5 year old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
While browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium", or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius.
The text of the message follows:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus had turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
We're continuing to work on the Y zero K problem and I'll send you a parchment if anything develops.
Best regards, Plutonius
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a Hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side - his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, You get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby that gets endless attention from affectionate adults, you go back into the womb and spend your last nine months floating in the comfort, and then . . . . .
You finish off as an orgasm !!
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says, "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st Man, "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man, "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man, "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push"
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be"
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte"
Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry, she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?
"He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells the boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
Quickly, the boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Then minutes pass and still not movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back... "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
The set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then, " says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But How? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "JESUS SAVES!"
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean-- ?", he swallows excitedly, "-- I can check my e-mail from here...?"
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman
"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure." she says, "He's at home, taking care of the kids.
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
"The doctor replied, "That man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "Fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only "fasten 8."
Late one night, a policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man, "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little TOO well endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long, and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch he thinks might be able to help.
The witch takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. Ask the frog to marry you and, each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter.
Well, at least it's worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log.
Will you marry me? He calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, No.
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey! This is great. Let's try that again, he thinks. Will you marry me? He asks the frog.
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, No! Twitch! The guy's down to 15 inches.
Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, Will you marry me?
The frog yells back, Look-how many times do I have to tell you? No. No! NO!
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Jonathan Powell
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disasterious. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download simular products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
- Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
- Frequently use Communicator 5.0
- Tech Support
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter ... Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
y. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again. … Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, UPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER ???"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up...
...suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, I may grant you one wish." says the genie with a smile.
"Hey, Bitch... don't you know who I am... I don't need no woman give me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
The genie pleads..."But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all... he says "Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning." "Now leave me alone!", he screams.
So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.
Don't mess with female genies!
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T 2. How many seconds are in a year? 3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, ......"
"OK, I give in" said Saint Peter, but what about the God's first name stuff?
Forrest said, "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... and the prayer... Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without further ado!
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, computers, and carburetors.
7. Sunday Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
8. Shopping is not sport.
9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. You have enough clothes.
11. You have too many shoes.
12. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
13. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
14. No, we don't know what day it is. We will never mark anniversaries on a calendar.
15. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
16. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
18. A headache that lasts for
17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
19. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
20. Films starring Barbara Streisand are for Girls Night Out.
21. Check your oil.
22. Don't give us rules.
23. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
28. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
29. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
30. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
32. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
33. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
34. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
I received this update:
Thanks goodness for the folks south of the border!
An update from Texas A&M....
"Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the Change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, and Saturdak.
Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and wheelchair bound.
Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.
One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old."
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled and said," Parkinson's disease."
A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
So, the turkey began to peck at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.
*AND THE MORAL* of the story is:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looked at them with wonder because she'd never seen anything like that before, so she asked the boy, "What are they doing?"
He says, "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" she asked.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?"
He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, ok I got it." As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in.
She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl innocently (??) replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope."
Crazy, silly, goofy,
now - I'm even loopy,
work all day, on-line all night,
my hairs a mess, skin pasty white.
I used to garden, used to cook,
well, sometimes I would read a book,
not anymore - who's got the time?,
I must check mail, must go on-line!
I used to cross-stitch,
used to clean,
I used to sleep,
and sometimes dream.
I still crochet,
still laugh and cry,
still shop sometimes,
more yarn to buy!
My husband's amused,
my daughter's perplexed,
I used to bake cookies,
we used to have sex.
My husband, who loves me,
found a new form of persuasion,
next month we're taking
a two week vacation.
He's hoping to cure me
of my new found addiction,
and reintroduce me
to bedroom and kitchen.
So, I'll lie on the beach,
and I'll swim and we'll sail,
and when we get back,
I'll check all my e-mail.
I'll print out the patterns,
recipes and more,
and if I need yarn,
I'll just run to the store.
Keep the faith loopies,
our families still love us,
they just can't figure out,
how to download and print us!
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steve's girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend's house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn't exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend's mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend's father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
(10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
(9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
(8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
(6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis
(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So, you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
A simple friend can stand by you when you are right, but a real friend will stand by you even when you are wrong.
A simple friend identifies himself when he calls. A real friend doesn't have to.
A simple friend opens a conversation with a full news bulletin on his life. A real friend says, "What's new with you?"
A simple friend thinks the problems you whine about are recent. A real friend says, "You've been whining about the same thing for 14 years. Get off your duff and do something about it."
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. Real friends opens your refrigerator and help themselves.
l. Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? They won't stop for directions.
4. Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
5. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in.
6. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
7. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
8. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.
9. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
10. Why did God make men before women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
11. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he is coming or going.
12. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
As witnessed by Barry D.Vinson, Sr.
I send this to you with heart-felt love
love love lo ve love love lo
ve love love love love love love love
love love love love l ove love love love love
love love love love love love love love love love
love love love love love l ove love love love love lov
e love love love love love love love love love love lov
elove love love love love love love love love love love
love love love love love love love love love love love
love love love love love love love love love love lov
e love love love love love love love love love lov
e love love love love love love love love love
love love love love love love love love l
ove love love love love love love love
love love love love love love lov
e love love love love love lov
e love love love love lo
ve love love love lo
ve love love lov
e love love l
ove love l
Only Love Prevails!
BIG HUG! Ok, I know I need hugs every once in a while, so here's one for all of you!
No moving parts, no batteries.
No monthly payments and no fees;
Inflation proof, non-taxable,
In fact, it's quite relaxable;
It can't be stolen, won't pollute,
One size fits all, do not dilute.
It uses little energy,
But yields results enormously.
Relieves your tension and your stress,
Invigorates your happiness;
Combats depression, makes you beam,
And elevates your self esteem!
Your circulation it corrects
Without unpleasant side effects,
It is, I think, the perfect drug:
May I prescribe, my friend,... the hug!
(and, of course, fully returnable!)
My Friend: Hope your day is good for you.
HAVE YOU HUGGED A FRIEND TODAY?
( ^ )_( ^ ) ( ^ )_( ^)
/ o o) (o o \
__/ ( | | ) \___
(_ / * * \_)
/ \/ | \
| | | | |
| | | \__/ |
\__/ | /
| | /
/ \ /
<__,---,__) (__/ (__
I will not play Tug O' War,
I'd rather play Hug O' War;
Where everyone hugs, instead of tugs,
And everyone giggles and rolls on the rug.
Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins;
everyone cuddles, and everyone wins.
- Shel Silverstein
___ ____ ___
____( \ .-' '-. / ) ___
(____ \_____ / (O O) \ _____/ ____)
(____ '-----( ) )-----' ____)
(____ _ ______\ .____. /______ ____)
(______/ '-.___.-' \_____)
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug *Hug* Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*Hug*
*Hug *Hug* Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*
*Hug* *Hug* * Hug* *Hug*
You have just been hugged!! That's right, there's no getting out of this time!! This is the start of a full-scale Hug O' War! So
hug everyone you know!!! With all the other forwards out there, I think this would be a good one to start. It can mean so much, and many things at the same time. It can be a sign of love, friendship, comfort or anything So here you go. All it will do is brighten someone's day.
We all need a hug once in awhile. So send this on to someone you like or to anyone who may need a hug, send it back to whoever sent it to you, send it back to me!! Goodness knows, we could all REALLY use a hug sometimes. So send this on and show someone you care!!
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo....Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed That the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on The wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began Putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man Named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife Looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was Reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us Not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing.
She said, "Never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it, paused, and asked me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside- down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
This person had a broken lamp that he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first, however, and I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I rented a movie from Blockbuster Video. Before the movie began, a message came on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license. She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no -- not the Breathalyzer again!"
The Exclusive Golf Course
A couple were golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows that will cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked the ball right through a window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a very unique looking broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem, its the least I could do for you."
"And you, what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife. "I would like a house in every country of the world," she answered. "Consider it done" replied the genie.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't mind if its okay with you."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"
"Thirty-five" she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?...That's amazing."
A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The woman says that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line, but its a no-brainer. The woman happily accepts the job. He takes her down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to start at 8:00 the next day.
The next morning at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see for himself.
The head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts to laugh hysterically. After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to the employee and says--
"I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give each Elmo "two test tickles."
Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope, & Moses.
They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner.
They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.
Now the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style & holy inspiration.
After great meditation & discussion, they concluded:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. They have never owned a record player.
12. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of = Pong.
13. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
14. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
15. They have always had an answering machine.
16. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. They have always had cable.
17. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
18. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
19. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
20. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
21. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
22. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
23. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
24. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
25. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
26. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
27. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
28. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
29. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
30. Michael Jackson has always been white.
31. There has always been MTV
Reported by a passenger on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during the recent Hurricane Bob. The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.
When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on the intercom."Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer.
On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."
After a short pause and several clicks, "Jesus Christ - what a bitchin' ride! I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring and I'm not one of them.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere.............. and let the air out of their tires.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get every month when the car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground.
8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
11. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
12. One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
13. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
14. You know your getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
15. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, How come you called God, " Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle. And He just then did!"
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commmendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing? I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
Overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a betterboy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: 'What's that?'
Lady 2: 'A condom.'
Lady 1: 'Where'd you get it?'
Lady 2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel." The druggist fainted.
The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him.
"How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
Remember next time your little hut is burning to the ground - - it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants, "she said.
"That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,. using it.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?" He replied "IT feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well of course I threw them in the trash".
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms" "Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "oh shit."
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving, call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're counting down the days until menopause.
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a brass lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it and...Lo and behold! A genie appeared!
The amazed woman asked, "Do I get three wishes?"
The Genie replied, "Nope...due to inflation, continual down-sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Holy cow, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years! I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. C'mon, make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "You know, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one who's considerate, and fun...likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family... doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for...a good mate."
The Genie sighed a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again.
Friends Are Like Angels
Our friends are like angels,
Who brighten our days.
In all kinds of wonderful,
Their thoughtfulness comes,
As a gift from above.
And we feel we're surrounded,
By warm, caring love.
Like upside-down rainbows,
Their smiles :) bring the sun.
And they fill ho-hum moments,
With laughter and fun.
Friends are like angels,
Without any wings.
Blessing our lives,
With the most precious things.
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NICKNAMES: If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?
Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."
The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"
Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"
Tommy replies "No."
The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"
Tommy replies "No, father."
The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good leads."
Three guys - Father, Son, and Grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As they are on the way out to the first tee they are bullshitting', cussing just the whole guy thing.
Just before the son is ready to tee off this fine looking' woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says that her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is really hot.
The kid kind of grumbles that now they cuss and bullshit around less. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game." The guys say O.K. and ask if she would like to tee off first.
All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up it as she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the shit out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of your opinions in this putt.
Now if someone's opinion helps me make the par I will give that person a blow job that they will never forget." The guys think what a deal.
The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in cup."
The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the cup."
The Grandpa looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the ball and says, "Forget the putt, that's a Gimme."
There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing.
After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
Two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs . The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, ok?" The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoe s upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head.
Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "come with me," he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "now i want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!"