Now This is a TEXAS TRUCK!

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Why Women Can't Fix Cars

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Now THIS is Relaxed!

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Official Seal

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A Smile for Today!

 

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All in One Holiday Wish

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Honey, Let me Explain

 http://www.lollie.com

Winners of the "I Look Like my Dog" Contest

Source

Torrential Rain

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to mow the lawn today come Hell or high water!"

Donations

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Tough To Get Old

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open."

Expressions For Women On High Stress Days

1. You - Off my planet

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Before and After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.

After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary...

Duck Hunting

A yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide bye local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Mom Wins !!

My son came home from school one day,

A smirk was on his face.

He'd decided he was smart enough

To put me in my place.

HE SAID:

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

That's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today:

THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAYS:

I don't have to clean my room,

Don't have to cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think,

How to speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom FROM religion,

And regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.

I can wear earrings if I want,

And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

Be tattooed from head to toes.

AND if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with the crime,

I'll back up all my charges,

With the marks on my behind.

HE SAID:

Don't you ever touch me,

This body's for MY use,

Not for your hugs and kisses,

That's just more child abuse.

HE CONTINUED WITH:

Don't preach about your morals,

Like your mama did to you.

That's nothing but your mind control,

And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,

So you can't influence me,

Or I'll call Children's Services,

Better known as C.S.D.

MY TURN!

Well, of course, my natural instinct

Was to toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach a lesson,

Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A little smile crept to my face...

He was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO!

Next day I took him shopping,

At the local Good Will store,

I told him, pick out all you want!

There are shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.,

They said they didn't care,

If I bought you K-Mart shoes,

Instead of Nike Airs.

OH! And...

I've canceled that appointment

To take your driver's test.

The C.S.D. is unconcerned,

So I'll decide what's best.

I SAID:

No time to stop and eat,

Or pick up stuff to munch,

And tomorrow you can start to learn

To make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,

And wait 'til dinner time.

We're having liver and onions.

It's a favorite dish of mine.

He ASKED:

Can we stop to rent a movie,

So I can watch the VCR?

Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,

For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

You can take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires just a roof

above your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,

I'll choose the food we eat,

That allowance that you used to get

Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,

Dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,

It's in effect today!

Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?

Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you?

....GO CALL THE C.S.D

The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year - So Far

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready?) ... this is a beauty ....

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Men are like ...

Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Cement.

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate. Sweet, smooth, and usually headed right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night.

Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes. Always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they'll last.

Dynamite

A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite." He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite." He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases

After her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment. The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite

After I saw how short your fuse was."

The Exercise Program

This is too funny not to read. For anyone who has attempted to start an exercise program:

For my Birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tony, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tony waiting for me. He is something of a God with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!! Tony gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse

After five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to all those rippling muscles. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his weight training class

After my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tony was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving is OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tony is impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (His voice is a little too perky for the early morning, and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

Thursday: Tony is waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my fricking shoes.) Tony took me to work out with dumbbells. When he wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the Ladies room. He sent Barbie to find me, then, as punishment, put me on a rowing machine...which I sank.

Friday: I hate that SUCKER Tony more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, puffed-up pea.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Tony wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have ant triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me fricking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I'm sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Punk.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. Teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Tony left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun. (Like a root canal or a mammogram.)

Village Virgin

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long

After, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

Brandi 

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.  Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble.  She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.  

She begins to pray... "God, please help me.  I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.  

Brandi again prays...God, please let me win the lotto!  I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?  I've lost my business, my house, and my car.  My children are starving I ask you for your help.  PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself..."Brandi, work with Me on this - buy a ticket."

Admirer

For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?"

Redneck Family & the City

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."

Real Teachers

• Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.
• Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.
• Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.
• Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.
• Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day
• Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions
• Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
• Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
• Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.
• Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.
• Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.
• Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
• Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.
• Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine.
• Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.
• Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
• Real teachers can teach anatomy to high school students and not hear the giggles.
• Real teachers know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.
• Real teachers know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.
• Real teachers can "sense" gum.
• Real teachers know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.
• Real teachers know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.
• Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
• Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
• Real teachers know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.
• Real teachers know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.
• Real teachers know that rules do not apply to them.
• Real teachers give themselves away in public because of the Vis-à-vis marker smudges all over their hands.
• Real teachers know that dogs are carnivores and not "homework paperavores."
• Real teachers know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday

  Afternoons.

• Real teachers do not take "no" for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.
• Real teachers know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.

AND FINALLY.......

• Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely nonexpendable.

Male Chauvinist

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about

Afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

The Short and Long of it ...

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday (as she has everything). He tells of his dilemma to his friend, and he suggests that he tattoo her name on his sex organ.

Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy. When the job is finished he looks down and sees, "W Y" and says, "Hey, I said her name was Wendy." The man says, "Don't worry, shake it." He does and voila, "Wendy." He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. She is so happy, she invites him on a Caribbean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him, glances down sees "W Y" and says, "W Y, huh?" Billy says "Oh! It's my girlfriends name, look (he shakes it... Wendy).

The Jamaican says: "Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice."

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says "W Y." Billy says, "Hey, wait a minute, yours says 'Wendy' too?"

"Ah no, man. Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.'"

Cure for Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes

After going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

Hard Times

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employee receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

Thibodeaux Residence

The phone rang at local FBI Field Office. "FBI, Good morning."

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. May I help you?"

I'm calling to report my neighbor Walter Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descended on Thibodeaux's residence. Agents searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Thibodeaux and left.

Subsequently, the phone rang at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Walter! Did you get a visit from the FBI?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas"

Gynecologist to Mechanic

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all she could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the MUFFLER..."

Things Teachers Would Love To Write On Student's Report Card, But Can't...

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. This student has delusions of adequacy.
4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. The student sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. Student has been working with glue too much.
8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Request for a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends off or public holidays.

5. I work in a damp environment don't get paid overtime.

6. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You fall asleep on the job

After brief work periods.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You'll retire well before reaching 65.

9. You're unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.

11. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

Questions

Q. Why did God give men penises?

A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?

A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?

A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?

A. Its Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have tits?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?

A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women Wild?

A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?

A.

After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blowjob?

A. Ten minutes of silence.

and finally...

Q. Why are hurricanes normally named

After women?

A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

WOW! Now, this is frightening!!

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29     have been accused of spousal abuse

7       have been arrested for fraud

19     have been accused of writing bad checks

117   have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3       have done time for assault

71     cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14     have been arrested on drug-related charges

8       have been arrested for shoplifting!

21     are currently defendants in lawsuits

84     have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Take Pride! I Am The Last One For Sure!!

Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

A second gal answers their question before they even ask it: "BITCH."

"What exactly is a BITCH?!?", they ask in unison.

"Babe In Total Control of Herself."

So ladies, next time somebody calls you "Bitch" SMILE...and say "Thank You!!"

Mid-Life

Mid life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us women plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

Mid life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!

Mid life is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.

Mid life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Mid life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Mid life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

The good news about mid life is that the glass is still half full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid life is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Mid life is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit. You become more reflective in mid life. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Take time to laugh as it is the music of the soul.

Complaints

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

Honest Friendship Poem

Finally, a Friendship Poem that doesn't make me want to puke:

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will dog you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.

Send to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Torrential Rain

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to mow the lawn today come Hell or high water!"

The Donation

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Tough To Get Old

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open."

Expressions For Women On High Stress Days

1. You - Off my planet

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Before and After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.

After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.

After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.

After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.

After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.

After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.

After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.

After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.

After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?

After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.

After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.

After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.

After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.

After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!

After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.

After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.

After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.

After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.

After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.

After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.

After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.

After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.

After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.

After - Bill and Hillary..

Duck Hunting

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide bye local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Mom Wins!!

My son came home from school one day,

A smirk was on his face.

He'd decided he was smart enough

To put me in my place.

HE SAID:

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,

That's taught by Mr. Wright?

It's all about the laws today:

THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAYS:

I don't have to clean my room,

Don't have to cut my hair.

No one can tell me what to think,

How to speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom FROM religion,

And regardless what you say,

I don't have to bow my head,

And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.

I can wear earrings if I want,

And pierce my tongue & nose.

I can read & watch just what I like,

Be tattooed from head to toes.

AND if you ever spank me,

I'll charge you with the crime,

I'll back up all my charges,

With the marks on my behind.

HE SAID:

Don't you ever touch me,

This body's for MY use,

Not for your hugs and kisses,

That's just more child abuse.

HE CONTINUED WITH:

Don't preach about your morals,

Like your mama did to you.

That's nothing but your mind control,

And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,

So you can't influence me,

Or I'll call Children's Services,

Better known as C.S.D.

MY TURN!

Well, of course, my natural instinct

Was to toss him out the door.

But the chance to teach a lesson,

Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,

I couldn't let this go.

A little smile crept to my face...

He was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO!

Next day I took him shopping,

At the local Good Will store,

I told him, pick out all you want!

There are shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.,

They said they didn't care,

If I bought you K-Mart shoes,

Instead of Nike Airs.

OH! And...

I've canceled that appointment

To take your driver's test.

The C.S.D.  is unconcerned,

So I'll decide what's best.

I SAID:

No time to stop and eat,

Or pick up stuff to munch,

And tomorrow you can start to learn

To make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,

And wait 'til dinner time.

We're having liver and onions.

It's a favorite dish of mine.

He ASKED:

Can we stop to rent a movie,

So I can watch the VCR?

Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,

For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,

You can take the couch instead.

The C.S.D. requires just a roof

above your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,

I'll choose the food we eat,

That allowance that you used to get

Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,

Dirt-bike & roller blades.

Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,

It's in effect today!

Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?

Why are you on your knees?

Are you asking God to help you?

....GO CALL THE C.S.D

The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year - So Far

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready?) ... this is a beauty ....

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Men are like...

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like.....Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Cement.

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate.
Sweet, smooth, and usually headed right for your hips.

Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Department Stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
Always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they'll last.

Dynamite

A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite." He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite." He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases

After her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment. The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite

After I saw how short your fuse was."

Bumper Stickers for Women

So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.

My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen

I'm Out Of Estrogen - And I Have A Gun.

Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.

Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.

Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.

All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.

I'm One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.

If We Are What We Eat, I'm Fast, Cheap And Easy.

Don't Upset Me! I'm Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.

If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

A Talking Bird

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later the woman's husband, Ed, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said "Hi, Ed!"

Booked Solid

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better. "

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Top 8 Idiots of 2000

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon, which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3 A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 4 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 5 Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot # 8 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said they couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

I'll bet you didn't know....

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig.) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people, on average, live nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out? Ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And, why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!!!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....????) (Well, at least pigs get a break there.)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life, I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez!) (That's almost as bad as catfish.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is............GO PIGS!!!

Drinkin' Fools

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" he asks.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Two Potatoes

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Ready?

I luv this..............................

It's the one with the little sign that says IDAHO.

Things you learn as you "mature"

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long

After you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Good, Bad and Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. --- Bad: It's triplets --- Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you --- Bad: She wants a divorce --- Ugly: She's a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing --- Bad: He's involved with the woman next door --- Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room --- Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there --- Ugly: You're in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids --- Bad: You can't find your birth control pills --- Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion --- Bad: He's a cross dresser --- Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your daughter --- Bad: She keeps interrupting --- Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The mailman stops by your house. --- Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun --- Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new --- Bad: It's another man --- Ugly: He's your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job --- Bad: As a hooker --- Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way --- Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Questions & Answers

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?

A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

or...

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right

After they're born?

A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?

A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males

After mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. What's the best way to kill a man?

A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A. They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. What is the difference between men and women...

A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q. How does a man keep his youth?

A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals."

Garters

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Why Men Aren't Secretaries

Husband's note to his wife: "Doctor's office called: Said Pabst Beer is normal."

Strong Woman Versus A Woman of Strength

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape

 ... but A woman of strength builds relationships to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn't Afraid of Anything

... but A woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let Anyone get the best of her

... but A woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman makes mistakes and Avoids the same in the future

... A woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can Also be unexpected blessings And capitalizes on them.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face

...but A woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey

...but A woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

* Pass this on to A GREAT WOMAN...I just did *

Friendship

Good times are even better when they're shared.

A good long talk can cure almost anything.

Everyone needs someone with whom to share their secrets.

Listening is just as important as talking.

An understanding friend is better than a therapist; and cheaper, too!

Laughter makes the world a happier place. Friends are like wine; they get better with age.

Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on. Great minds think alike, especially when they are female!

When it comes to "bonding," females do it better.

YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR SLUMBER PARTIES!!!!

It's important to make time to do "girl things."

Calories don't count when you are having lunch with your girlfriends.

GEMS MAY BE PRECIOUS, BUT FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS!!!!!

Close your eyes ... go back in time

Before the Internet or the MAC,

Before semi automatics and crack

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

Way back

I'm talking about hide and seek at dusk. The Good Humor man, Red light, green light. The corner store. Hopscotch, butterscotch, double dutch, jacks, kickball, dodge ball. Mother May I? Red Rover and Roly Poly Hula Hoops Running through the sprinkler. The smell of the sun and licking salty lips

Wax lips and mustaches. An ice cream cone on a warm summer night. Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe butter pecan. A cherry coke from the fountain at the corner drug store.

Wait

Watching Saturday Morning cartoons... short commercials, Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs, Or staying up for Gunsmoke. Or back further, listening to Superman on the radio. When around the corner seemed far away, And going downtown seemed like going somewhere. A million mosquito bites. Sticky fingers. Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, Zorro. Climbing trees. Building igloos out of snow banks. Walking to school, no matter what the weather. Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. Being tired from playing

Remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. I'm not finished just yet... Eating Kool-aid powder

Remember when ...

there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym." It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a miracle. When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks? When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of them!!!

Didn't that feel good ... just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. If you can remember most or all of these, then you remember really living!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...

...I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!

To All The Drinking Women

Clues To Calling It A Night You Know It's Time To Go Home When:

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

He Said - She Said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded.

Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband."

She said..."Who's gonna look?"

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Thought Everyone Should Be Aware Of This Cruel Trick!!!!

Women's Warning: Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not. It's happening every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few of my closest friends. You too may have been a victim. Read on.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached, it was at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs . . . and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night. Warn your friends!!!!!!!

Passion

DON'T open the enclosed .jpg file until you have read the text!

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....

Then the power went out.

She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on, as did their growing passion....

There came a moment when each knew they had to be together. They knew it was wrong ... their families would not understand ... but ... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open. Then, the click of the light switch. The power was back on, and ...

See attached file :)

Image

The Blonde and the Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger". "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then...put all the corn flakes back in the box.

Mid-Life

You can tell you're in mid-life when:

• Mid life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us women plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
• Mid life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
• Mid life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
• Mid life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
• Mid life is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
• Mid life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
• Mid life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
• Mid life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
• Mid life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
• Mid life is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
• Mid life is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
• You become more reflective in mid life. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Harley Davidson

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.

She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first

After dinner does the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still...no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!

Buffalo Theory

I know you have read or heard this wisdom before, but I have not seen anyone explain it as well as the all mighty wise Cliff Clavin, on the sitcom Cheers....

One

Afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went:

"Well, ya see Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter

After a few beers."

To all the drinking women:

Clues to calling it a night you know it's time to go home when:

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just your hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

Drunk on Sunday

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday

Afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

The top ten slogans Viagra is considering for its advertising campaign.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

3. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

If God Were A Woman

1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Tittie Bars"....Male Revue would continue
11. Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife
16. Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

Vacationing Blonde

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

One Liners

1. What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went - it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

9. How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

11. What did God say

After creating man?

I can do so much better.

12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

14. What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says..."

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.

16. Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

17. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males

After mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

18. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.

19. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because

After 30 seconds they forget what happened.

20. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

21. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

The Comma

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand:

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9.   The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8.   Crying can be fun.

7.   FAT CLOTHES.

6.   A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5.   Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4.   The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3.   A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2.   Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1.   OTHER WOMEN!

(Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends)

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent. I have not whined, cursed or eaten any chocolate. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes and I will need a lot more help

After that

Make a joyful noise to the Lord!

Q. What's the best form of birth control

After 50?

A: Nudity.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A. 45 lbs.

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A. 45 minutes.

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?

A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and new dog?

A.

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.  Who has the biggest boobs?

A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. What does an 85 year old woman have between her breasts?

A. Her navel.

Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

A. Everyone has the same DNA.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

A. They're hiring.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A. Both have a description of the animal on the front of the cage, but the Southern zoo also has a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say, "shit"?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "Bingo".

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row row row your boat.

Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time."  A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this

Painter

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually a Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried:

"O God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(You're gonna love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Female Comebacks

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch any activities that might develop. A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir: You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree-look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree. Not see. NO FEE.

Strongest Man

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people tried, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

The Accident

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for "medium", and $14,000 for "large. The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, found the man looking quite dejected, and asked "Well, what have the two of you decided?"

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

The Universal Threads

"There is an endless net of threads throughout the universe. The horizontal threads are in space. The vertical threads are in time. At every crossing of the threads, there is an individual. And every individual is a crystal bead. And every crystal bead reflects not only the light from every other crystal in the net, but also every other reflection throughout the entire universe." --The Rig Veda

Life Before The Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Cowboy & Cowgirl Honeymoon

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, " What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" he replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies.

Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly: "That's ma' rope!" She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love.

After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Is PMS in the Bible?

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week

After the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

40 Things You Won't Hear From A Southern Male

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a martini.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Beer Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer.  Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a fool.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and  takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Two Blondes

A blonde was driving home

After a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened Nothing She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!" ........................................

A couple of real winners!

Before and After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.

After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.

After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.

After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.

After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.

After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.

After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.

After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.

After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?

After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.

After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.

After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.

After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.

After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!

After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.

After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.

After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.

After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.

After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.

After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.

After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.

After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.<br>

After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.

After - Bill and Hillary.

Duck Hunting

A yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide bye local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Mom Wins !!

My son came home from school one day,
A smirk was on his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.

HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.

IT SAYS:
I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toes.

AND if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

HE SAID:
Don't you ever touch me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.

HE CONTINUED WITH:
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services,
Better known as C.S.D.

MY TURN!
Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face...
He was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO!
Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will store,
I told him, pick out all you want!
There are shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
They said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.

OH! And...
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
So I'll decide what's best.

I SAID:
No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favorite dish of mine.

He ASKED:
Can we stop to rent a movie,
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof
above your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!

Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
....GO CALL THE C.S.D

The Best Blonde Joke Of The Year - So Far

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready?) ... this is a beauty ....

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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