Men are Like

Men are like.....Laxatives.They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like.....Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate. Sweet, smooth, and usually headed right for your hips.
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. Always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they'll last.

Dynamite

A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite." He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite." He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment. The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short your fuse was."

Bumper Stickers for Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
4. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
5. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
6. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
7. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
8. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
9. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
10. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
11. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
12. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
13. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
14. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
15. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
16. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
17. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

A Talking Bird

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later the woman's husband, Ed, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said "Hi, Ed!"

THIS IS HILARIOUS!

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit
Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think
frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding
back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss

Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,

your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help meGod
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton

My face in the mirror

Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.

Top 14 Things PMS Stands For:

Pass My Shotgun

Psychotic Mood Shift

Perpetual Munching Spree

Puffy Mid-Section

People Make Me Sick

Provide Me with Sweets

Pardon My Sobbing

Pimples May Surface

Pass My Sweatpants

Pissy Mood Syndrome

Plainly; Men Suck

Pack My Stuff

Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this goddamn house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even care that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to FIND the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!!! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID DAMN BULBS CAME IN!

WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Definitions

Socialism:

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

Communism:

You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

Fascism:

You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

Bureaucracy:

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

Capitalism:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Corporate:

You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.

Democracy:

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

$10 is $10

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.

"And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one-year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So, next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.   Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2.   There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.   There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.   Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.   Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.   We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.   The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.

8.   David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9.   When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body. "He did not say, "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the rub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Martha Stewart vs the Rest of Us

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake; you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

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Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

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Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

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Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

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Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

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Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

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Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

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Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

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Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

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Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

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Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

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Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

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Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

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Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

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Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

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Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

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Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

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Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

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Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

*  Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

*  Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

*  Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

*  Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer

News Clips

Lady Golfer

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

Strip Mall

My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers. Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA

Curl Up and Die

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please!

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld

Priceless

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." Chris Vaught

The Genie and Monny

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.

Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

"Poof!"

And just like that... her ears were gone.

Mother Nature and the Golfer

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Harry!....Harry!...where are you?" Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows." Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING!!! " FOR GODS SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!

How to Get a Gorilla Out of a Tree

A gorilla escaped from the zoo and was in the top of a tall tree. The police had been called. One of the cops asked the Chief, "What will we do?" The Chief said, "I want you to go to the nearest phone booth. Look in the Yellow Pages under Gorilla. Find a specialist for getting Gorillas out of trees and call him."

"Chief. I did as you said. The specialist should be here shortly." Pretty soon a car pulls up. The specialist gets out and looks up at the Gorilla in the tree.

The Chief asks, "Do you think you can handle this?" The guy says, "Of course. I do this all the time." He says, "I'm going to need your help, Chief. I've got four pieces of equipment. A baseball bat, a Chihuahua, handcuffs and a shotgun.

I'm going to take the baseball bat and climb the tree. I will then hit the Gorilla and knock him out of the tree. The Chihuahua with his razor sharp teeth has been trained to go for the crotch. When the Gorilla puts his hands down to protect himself, you just run over and slap the handcuffs on him. At that point, it's all over. You simply walk the Gorilla over and put him in the back seat of the squad. Then just take him back to the zoo."

The Chief says, "Wow. That is just a great plan. Brilliant in its simplicity - just one thing. What is the shotgun for?" The specialist responds, "On the very remote, outside chance that the Gorilla knocks me out of the tree, I want you to shoot the Chihuahua."

Rabbit Event

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair spray Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Golf

He entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

How to Determine a Fly's Sex...

Stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females".

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone".

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping business in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they finish, there's such a crowd they decide it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him and he falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up--he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine--it was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

Ice Cream Truck

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, "replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

The 7 ups

1. Wake Up !!

Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !!

The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!!

Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. "He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!!

... For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. "Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!

... To the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me". Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!

... For something higher. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!

... Your Prayers. "Do not worry about anything; instead PRAY ABOUT EVERYTHING." Philippians 4:6 A 

POSITIVE THOUGHT

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring, and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He could live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem; not to mention that Friday at Calvary. Face it, He's crazy about you.

Send this to the people you care about. I thought this was mighty special, just like you. Pass this on and brighten someone's day, and remember:

God answers Knee-Mail.

WAKE UP	DRESS UP	SHUT UP	STAND UP	LOOK UP	REACH UP

, , , , , , LIFT UP

Written by "Corinne" 

The Happy Little Fly

There was once a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate.. and ate.. and then.. she ate some more!!!!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around, wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne, she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor, quite the dead little fly.

So, what is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap."

TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 

2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 

3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 

3) You are Santa Claus. 

4) You look like Santa Claus. Pass this on to people with sense of humor!

Report Cards

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When tour daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't here.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

Women's Issues

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Elmo Joke

A new employee was hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmo's are backed all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Knowledge of Wood

This is funny and not a dirty word is used.........

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!

The Missing Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?"

- all the men stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

- all the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."

- half the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"

- all the nuns stood up.

Blondes vs. Men

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

The Train Ride

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.

After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake, she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

Doctor's Appointment

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. 

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh"

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!

You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply----------------

(Ready for this?)

(I'm warning you.....)

(Still not too late.....delete now!)

GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE."

Natural Highs

Please read and send back. Take a few minutes and read these. Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one.........IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD specially the thought at the end.

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at Target

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail.

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels out of the dryer.

11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.

12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)

13. A long distance phone call.

14. A bubble bath.

15. Giggling.

16. A good conversation.

17. The beach.

18. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.

19. Laughing at yourself.

20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

21. Running through sprinklers.

22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

24. Laughing at an inside joke.

25. Friends.

26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

28. Your first kiss.

29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

30. Playing with a new puppy.

31. Having someone play with your hair.

32. Sweet dreams.

33. Hot chocolate.

34. Road trips with friends.

35. Swinging on swings.

36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.

37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.

38. Going to a really good concert.

39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

40. Winning a really competitive game.

41. Making chocolate chip cookies.

42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

43. Spending time with close friends.

44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.

45. Holding hands with someone you care about.

46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.

48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open much desired present from you.

49. Watching the sunrise.

50. Getting out of bed every morning and being thankful for another beautiful day.

"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

Great Cookie Recipe

Check Out This Story - Too Funny!!!

A little background: Neiman-Marcus, if you don't know already is a very expensive store i.e. they sell your typical $8.00 t-shirt for $50.00.  Lets let them have it!!!

This is a True Story:

My daughter and I had just finished a salad at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas and decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie."  It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and Linda the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not but, you can buy the recipe."

Well, I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!"

I agreed with approval, just add it to my tab I told her. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie! Recipe -$250.00"  That was outrageous! 

I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund you money to this point."

I explained to her the criminal statues which govern fraud in Texas. I threatened to refer them to the Better Business bureau and the State Attorney General Office for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, it doesn't matter, we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every Cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus ... for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on her. So here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this ... I don't want Neiman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe ...

NEIMAN MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved)
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. soda
2 cups sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal
24 oz. chocolate chips
2 cups brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
* Cream the butter and both sugars.
* Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda.
* Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a Cookie sheet.
* Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.

Girlfriend's Day

We need an Annual Girlfriend's day! Perhaps it can be in August since there are no major holidays (somebody call Hallmark), and why do we only have parties for each other when one of us gets married, is pregnant, or retires? What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants and shopping, lunching, and traveling girls? Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake!

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival The Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

"To the world you might be one person...but to one person, you might be the world."

Think Outside of the Box

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.  This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.  However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.

What did he say?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Children's Letters to God ...  

"unless you become as a little child, you shall not enter the Kingdom of  Heaven..."

Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. ~Ginny 

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Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy.  I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. ~Joyce 

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Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. ~Janet

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Dear God, if we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. ~Denise

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Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am). 

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Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.   ~Love, Alison

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Dear God, How did you know you were God? ~Charlene 

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Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? ~Anita 

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Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.  ~Nan 

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Dear God, Did you really mean "Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You", because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. ~Darla

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Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You  really made up some good ones. ~Glenn 

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Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How  far back do you go? Love, Dennis 

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Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? ~Nan 

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Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get  mixed up sometimes? ~Arnold 

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Dear God, Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?  ~Norma 

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Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? ~Jennifer 

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Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. ~Jane 

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Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? ~Seymour 

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Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. ~Peter  

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Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with me and my brother. ~Larry 

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Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't  forget.  ~Mark 

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Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.  ~Dean

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Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.  ~Marsha

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Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.  ~Mickey D.

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Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? ~Donny

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Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? ~Jane

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Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your Idea. Sincerely, Donna 

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Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just  want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.  ~Charles 

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Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right  places.  ~Jeff 

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Dear God, I am doing the best I can. ~Frank 

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Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset  you made on Tuesday. That was Cool. ~Eugene

Ways to Know You're a Teacher

1. You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
4. You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
5. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
6. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
7. When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
8. Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO much simpler.
9. When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
10. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
11. You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.
12. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
13. You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
14. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
15. You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
16. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

New School Employees

In an effort to add diversity to the workforce, five cannibals get hired by a large school district. During the welcoming ceremony the superintendent says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". 

The cannibals promised. 

Four weeks later the superintendent returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. 

After the superintendent left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating Assistant Superintendents, Curriculum Directors, Team Leaders, Supervisors and Coordinators and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Cost:

* Oil Change $20.00

* Coffee $1.00

* Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly's to recycle, dump in hole in the back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in the process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from under car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. (IDIOT!!)
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back, apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail.
50. Get car from impound yard.

Cost:

* Parts $50.00

* DUI $2500.00

* Impound fee $75.00

* Bail $1500.00

* Total-- $4150.00

-- But you know the job was done right!

Young Brunette

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams ... and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde."

She nods sheepishly and admits that indeed she is a blonde ... then asks the Doctor, "How did you know?"

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

Relationship with God

95-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," He said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "Oh good Lord! That old fool is peeing in the refrigerator again!"

For Men Tired of Male Bashing Jokes

• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
• Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
• Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
• How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
• Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
• What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.
• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
• Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
• In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.--
• Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
• A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

She Was Soooo Blonde....

• She thought a quarterback was a refund.
• She thought General Motors was in the army.
• She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
• At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote Sagittarius.". 

She Was Soooooo Blonde...

• She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
• She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics", 

She Was Soooooooo Blonde...

• She tripped over a cordless phone.
• She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate".
• She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
• She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
• She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. 

She Was Soooooooooo Blonde...

• She studied for a blood test.
• She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
• She sold the car for gas money.
• When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
• When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. 

She Was Soooooooooooo Blonde...

• When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
• She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
• She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
• She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes in front"

Product Announcement

Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims:

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.

This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and Just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.

Only In ...

China

Hawaii

India

Mexico

Tehran

Texas

Enjoy!

My Son the Veterinarian

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession.

The priest says. Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

New Virus

Just got this in from a reliable source: It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of...so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1950!!!!

Symptoms of Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

The World of Signs

Sh, it’s a secret…

We be edumacated…

Enough said..

Typo?

Irony at its finest.

Leave your soul at the front gate, please.

Shh, it’s a secret… #2

This one is in Phoenix AZ, no lie!

umm, oucho!!

I don’t even know what to say for this one.

Idaho state legislature puttin the street dealers outta bidness.

Amazingly, Bob and Dave never made it to their original destination… wherever it was.

???

Have another beer dude, tomorrow you won’t find it nearly as funny.

Major dilemma.

“CAUTION: HANDICAPPED MAN EATING CROCODILE AT BOTTOM OF HILL”

Some times a name change is the best idea…

If you say so!

I think I’ll  keep driving!

Little extreme, I think!  (and what about the women?)

Somehow I don’t think that will work!

Now there’s a movie you don’t see everyday!

What I Want in a Man!

What I Want in a Man, Original List:  (Age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer thing

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Computer Contest ...

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of
hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
off.  Satan stared at his blank screen  and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld.  Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE!   "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.  
"Wait!" he screamed.  "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his
work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES
 

If you know the author of this work, please let us know so that we can give proper credit.
 

Bra Codes, Mammograms & A Good Bra

Mammograms

Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........And

When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down

or

Leaves You Hanging

and

Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Old Timers Bar – all drinks 10 cents

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please" They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired teachers. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

Another Blonde Joke

A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' 
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1.. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!'

How Do You Know You Are A Teacher?

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs
to the child out of line.
2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.
3. You walk into a store and hear the words 'It's Ms/Mr. _________' and know you have been spotted.
4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.
5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.
6. You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep period.
7. You start saving other people's trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.
8. You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.
9. You want to slap the next person who says 'Must be nice to work 7 to 3 and have summers off.'
10. You believe chocolate is a food group.
11. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.'
13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.
14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.
15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
17 You can't pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!
18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a 'good choice or a bad choice.'
19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.
20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer and finally,
21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents.
 

A Sad Blonde Joke?

A young blonde Aggie woman in Rockport, Texas, was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the bay. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor saw her teettering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said.
"This is the Port Aransas Ferry!"

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Male Strippers

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.  One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a
$10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.  She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried
about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to
try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?   The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!

Judas Asparagus

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,

but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been

invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad

apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long

as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died

off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,

but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a

large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked

some other people to join him, but they said they would

have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more

famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his

birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son

named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was

Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt

and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on

Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,

bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day

with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.

These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your

neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:

Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first

Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and

the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a

giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had

about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,

but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then

barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league

prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the

star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying

to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would

be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like

the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they

named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even

preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the

Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband
was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly
and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!...

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.....
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.  So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Missouri , West Virginia and Washington DC -- (Hm-m-m-m. How'd they miss Oklahoma?)

The Sweetness of Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the ba r. .. You know...they have frozen glasses... '
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken ! wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'
and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP
 

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ' but what's the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.'
He said, ' Screw him.......give him a dollar.'
The blonde then blushed and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

Government Workers!

Those dad-burn, hi-falutin', know-it-all, smart-ass government workers!
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence "Your card! Show him your card!"
 

Billy Graham

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.  The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.  He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies.  I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"
The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."
The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."
The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I havent had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, Im going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Never Lie to a Woman!

I mean a smart woman
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.  We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.  The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....

Headlines & Broadcast Statements

English really is a strange language! And remember, most of these originators have a College Degree or are on the way to one!!
Here are the top nine comments made by broadcasters at NBC sports so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

OH MY GOODNESS - What DO they teach in journalism courses these days?
THE YEAR'S BEST (actual!) HEADLINES

1. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!
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2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really?
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3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far!
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4. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy!
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5. Miners Refuse to Work after Death Those good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!
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6. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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7. War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect!
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8. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya' think?!
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9. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought!
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10. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something!
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11. Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge!
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12. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?!
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13. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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14. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken?
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15. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chain-saw Massacre all over again!
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16. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....

17 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?

What is SEX?

An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. "What is sex...?"  He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer.  He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

So The Scientist Says To God

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't Need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life Out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the Beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.
"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the Likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,
(I love this)
"...Get your own dirt."

God's Busy...

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'
THIS IS GOOD. KEEP IT GOING
And all God's people said --
AMEN!

They Walk and Live Among Us ...

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts " Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''
Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''20(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply?
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Teaching Math - 1950s vs. 2009

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she e stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses.) To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .... and then there are educators

The Good Grandpa

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn.? It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, same for fruit, cereal and soda.? Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.'

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset.? We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.? 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.? I don't know how you did it.? That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.? Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert - the little shit's name is Johnny!

Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Beers

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and oured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,'said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
" If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Gettin' Old

Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability to send cards on time here is my card to cover every Holiday.

Happy Friggin Everything!

I'm Still Waiting...

I did what you told me

I sent the email to 10 people like you said...

I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money, BEER, dark chocolate, scratch tickets or gasoline vouchers instead?

Thank you!

Senior Moment...

For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are! And, speaking of senior moments:

"WH E R E is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,

"Well, shit... so that's why no one was at church today".

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce!!!!

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