Blondes really are Smart

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.


The Handy Man

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".

He looks at her and says angrily. "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my Forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a darn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hello o o o o ........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"


Confessions

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit? What happened next?'"


Blonde on the Interstate

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road…

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers…

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly… "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop…

And she said…

(This is good…)

Ready?)

(Remember, she's a blonde…)

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied…


How to stop someone from snoring…

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


Changing Positions

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Wife: That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart.


Horseback Riding & the Blonde

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror she grabs for the horse's mane, but she can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to it's slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grasp, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune, the Wal-Mart manager sees her and unplugs the horse!


Voice Mail

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...

"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask some one to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer anyways.


Frog Story

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes---that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better?"

The woman said, "That would be o.k.," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be o.k. because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM, she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be o.k. because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a MILD heart attack."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever bitches. Don't screw with them.


Meals on Wheels

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him, the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...." The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later, six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: "All our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom. We're tired of running...."

"Say no more!" the Lord replies. In a flash, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the heavenly landscape.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals on Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!"


You Might Be A School Teacher If.....

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You have no life between August to June.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

18. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

20. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

21. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

22. You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

24. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:

You make the bed...+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1

You leave the toilet seat up...-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty...0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5

In the snow...+8

But return with beer...-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night...0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing...0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something...+5

You pummel it with a six iron...+10

It's her pet...-10

Social Engagements:

Party:

You stay by her side the entire party...0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2

Named Tiffany...-4

Tiffany is a dancer...-6

Tiffany has implants...-80

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner...0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1

Okay, it is a sports bar...-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal...-5

The pal is happily married...-4

Or frighteningly single...-7

And he drives a Mustang...-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie...+2

You take her to a movie she likes...+4

You take her to a movie you hate...+6

You take her to a movie you like...-2

It's called DeathCop 3...-3

Which features cyborgs that eat humans...-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans And baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one, too."...-8000

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-1 (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding...-10

You reply, "Where?"...-35

Any other response...-20

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0

You listen, for over 30 minutes...+50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+1000

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep...-2000


Pharmaceutical Sales

From time to time I speak with the pharmaceutical sales reps who use our library. The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has developed. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in this company.

The drug is called "Ginko Viagra," and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing!


Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring - so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret - you know, woman to woman.


Bill Gates arrives at the Pearly Gates

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell! After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and, yet, you created that ghastly 'Windows'. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!" To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell," he said. "As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh THAT!" said God, "That was the screen saver!"


Top ten reasons why America is the best country in the World

1. Only in America ......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America ......are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America ......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America ......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.


Communication

A judge was interviewing a blonde lady regarding her pending divorce, an asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents. "He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'." Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."


Genies

A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle on the floor. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I keep the last one for myself." "Fantastic!!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," says the genie, "it's the least I could do. And you, ma'am, what do you want?" "I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife. "Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don't mind, honey, I don't either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he's through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replies. "And he still believes in genies?"


Female Comebacks

Man: Where have you been all my life ? Woman: Hiding from you.

Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


Say What?

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"


Cajun Humor

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were talking one afternoon, and Boudreaux tells Thibodeaux, "You know, I tink I'm ready for a lil vacation. But, dis year I wants to do sumting different. De las' few year, I took your suggestion bout where to go. Tree year ago you say I should go to Hawaii, an' I did an' Marie got pregnant. De next year you say to go to de Bahamas. Marie got pregnant agin. And las year you tol me to go to Tahiti. Sure enough, Marie got pregnant again." And Thibodeaux asks Boudreaux, "What you gonna do dis year dat's different?" And Boudreau says, "Dis year I gonna bring Marie wid me..."


A Final Meal

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of fresh strawberries.

"STRAWBERRIES?"

"Yes, strawberries will be fine."

The guard retorts, "But they are out of season!"

"So, I'll wait already..."


Jealous Blonde

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


Every Woman's Fantasy

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house."


What Is Easter?

A Sunday School teacher asked her class of young children a very simple question, or so she thought. She asked, "What is Easter?"

Immediately many children raised their hands. So the teacher called on one to answer the question.

The sweet child replied, "Oh, that's easy! It's when the pilgrims and all your family gets together, eats turkey, and we're all thankful."

"Not quite, but nice try!," smiled the teacher, and proceeded to choose a second child to answer the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second child replied, "Easter is when we have a big picnic and a parade and there's fireworks at night!"

The teacher looked at the second child, shook her head, and tells him he's also wrong.

Then a third child is selected to answer the question, "What is Easter?"

The third child smiles confidently and looks into the teacher's eyes and says, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says the teacher, "Can you explain it please?"

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave, which was then sealed off by a large boulder."

The teacher smiles broadly with delight.

Then the child continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."


Secret Service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."


A Middle Aged Woman

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked Him if this was "it." God said, "No, I am sending you back. You have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc. She even had her hairdresser come to the hospital to change her hair color before she was released from the hospital. She figured that, since she had such a long life ahead of her, she had better make the most of it.

She left the hospital after all the operations, and while crossing the street she was hit by an ambulance and was immediately killed. Arriving in front of God, the woman demanded an answer, "I thought you said I had another forty years left to live; what happened?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you."


What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Documentation?

Here's an easy game to play.

Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?

What a shame, Sir!

We'll find you Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


I can Sell Anything

Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" the manager told him.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"

"Well we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

Ole Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another or $100,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anything to anyone, any time any where!"

"OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked.

"What urine sample?" asked Sid.

"If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job. He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is Mr. Frieden's."

"Thats good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"


Success

At age 4, success is...........not peeing your pants

At age 12, success is...........having friends

At age 20, success is...........having sex

At age 35, success is...........making money

At age 60, success is...........having sex

At age 70, success is...........having friends

At age 80, success is...........not peeing your pants


Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa." The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.

My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."


Thought For The Day

Women do not snore, burp, sweat or pass gas.

Therefore, we must bitch or we will blow up.


When the Lord Made Mothers

By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to

be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."

The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!", said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!" "And that's just on the standard model?", the Angel asked.

The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing, even though she already knows.

Another pair in the back of her head are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word."

The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I can't!", the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower!"

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The angel reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak", the Lord objected, "That's a tear!" What's the tear for?", the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything.

WOMEN are truely amazing!


Bowling Blondes

Two bowling teams of hair stylists, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!


The Bridge

A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. He didn't disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you won't disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for." The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"

The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Central? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well."

The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women...I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...I want to know why they're crying... I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'... I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish that I want, Lord."

Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Cinderella at 75

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years??" The Fairy godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old, faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and a long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a beautiful, and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed, as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: "I Bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"


Sex Ed

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker. Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick!"


Bragging Rights

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business, the first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.


Theories

Listed below are the results of a contest in which people were invited to submit their theories on ANY subject.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Subject: Linguistics

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to"warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

4th RUNNER-UP:

Subject: Probability Theory

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP:

Subject: Bio-Mechanics

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP:

Subject: Symbolic Logic

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP:

Subject: Newtonian Mechanics

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

And THE WINNER:

Subject: Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.


Check it out:


This is Heaven

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!


Redneck Humor

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

10. There are no delis. Don't ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven.

14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-250 is.

18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed the warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.

22. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

23. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

24. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder; that is called "courtesy".

25. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

26. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.

27. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

28. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.


Hillbilly Cure

Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Possum Burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" Yep," said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her back-side. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time!"


Will You Marry Me

The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says: "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers: "No problem!! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that he'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "OK. I cut. I cut."


It would serve him right!!!

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile.

"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman.

The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.

The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.


Women Only

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

"All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."


Anatomy Class

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman: "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."


What's Yours?

A lovely little girl was entering school for the first time when a friendly little boy approached her. "My name's Ted," he said, "what's yours?"

"Happy Butt," the little girl replied.

"I'm going to tell the teacher what you said," and he did. "What is your name," asked the concerned teacher. "Happy Butt," replied the girl. "Shame on you for lying," exclaimed the teacher, "I'm going to send you to the principal so you can explain yourself."

"Why are you here?" asked the principal. "They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt." the little girl explained. "Well, your name can't be Happy Butt," the principal protested, "so I'm going to call your mother and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us about your name."

The principal made the call and said, "We have your daughter here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'"

"Oh," said the mother, "that must be Gladys."

"Young lady," the principal growled, "your mother says your name is Gladys."

The little girl smiled and said, "Happy Butt, Glad Ass," what's the difference?


The 10 Top Things You Wish You Could Say At A Meeting


The most powerful word? Well, shit...

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. You can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else! You could pass this along if you give a shit.


Acceptable Excuses

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:

1) A certifiable medical excuse. 2) A death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

Men's Secret Language

1. "I'M GOING FISHING": Translation: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

2. "IT'S A GUY THING": Translation: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance in all of making it logical.

3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?": Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?

4. "UH HUH", "SURE", or, "YES, DEAR": Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN": Translation: I have no idea how it works.

6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND": Translation: I was wondering if that blonde over there is wearing a bra.

7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD": Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR": Translated: Are you still talking?

9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS": Translated: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES": Translation: The girl selling them was a real babe.

11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL": Translation: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

12. "HEY. I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING": Translation: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

13. "I CAN'T FIND IT": Translation: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?": Translation: What did you catch me at?

15. "I HEARD YOU": Translation: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't have to spend the next three days yelling at me.

16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE": Translation: I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be much worse.

17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC": Translation: Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

18. "I'M NOT LOST, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE": Translation: No one will ever see us alive again.


Southern Humor


Hark! It is Thus Written:

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says...

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, She had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.

And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so".

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or "NERDS" for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators". "Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.


The Autopsy

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

 

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

 

Q: "And Mr. D. was dead at the time?"

A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

 

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

 

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

 

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

 

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

 

Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

 

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


Dental Visit

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that She was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No."

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big Finished Goods Crate and start the process all over again."

She didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Life is Easy for Men...


Texas Aggie

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texas Aggie. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Aggies, too. No one really knows what a Texas Aggie was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an Aggie." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why, I'm a proud Red Raider," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Red Raider.

"Well, my mom and dad are Red Raiders, so I'm a Raider, too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.

"Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an Aggie.


It's just never there fault is it?!?!

An older Polish man marries a younger Polish lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. In order to make the marriage "better", they decide to ask their priest for help.

The priest listens to their story. "I have the solution. Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

The Polish couple goes home and follows the priest's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the priest.

"Ahh," says the priest to the Polish husband, "try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the priest's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, and looks at the young man "See? THAT'S how you were supposed to wave the towel."


Garden of Eden

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How's things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful...but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real

pain," reported Eve. "That's a fair point," replied God," but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and rips the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are

paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see...where did I leave that useless boob?"


Honeymoon

A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiance is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"


You know you're trailer trash when...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. 

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 

18. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk. 

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 

20. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.


Best Comeback Line Ever

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"


How it Happens


Ford and God

Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. maintenance is very costly 4. it constantly needs repainting and refinishing 5. it is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days 6. the rear end wobbles too much, and 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"


Natural Highs

Take a few minutes and read these. Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one ...
1.  Falling in love.
2.  Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3.  A hot shower.
4.  No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.
5.  A special glance.
6.  Getting mail.
7.  Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8.  Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9.  Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17. The beach.
18. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss.
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful
day.
I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our
wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Class Reunion

I'd prepared for it like any *intelligent* woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 4 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew that if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, I could fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them. Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress, stepping gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled ... and I got the formal all the way up to my knees before the zipper gave out.

I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away. Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner.

I turned to Plan B. The black velvet caftan. I gathered up all the goodies that I'd purchased at the drug store; the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads. Then the makeup - the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all day face-lifting gravity fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow...but first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready ... I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black, lacy, tummy-tucking,cellulite-pushing, hamhock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with scented body lotion and begin the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead, but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So, I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was firm!

Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro. But the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly Side-stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.

I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around-put the bra on the way it should be worn-straps over the shoulders, bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs were not cooperating I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, an while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up & down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging.' Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift! I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra I stood up for an exam. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chinrest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Why did I buy heels with buckles?

And then I had to pee again.

Think I'll go fix myself a drink and skip the %#$@! Reunion!


Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
    "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished
cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
    "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
    "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
    "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
    "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!


Taco Bell Dog

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says

"I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever.

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."


The Birthday Present

A man asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She answers ... "I'd love to be ten again." So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park.

What a day!

He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is! Wow! She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right Into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie...it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed. He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress size."


Man vs. Woman - The Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..." Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.


Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,
the princess.

But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,
wood,
plastic
anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.

  The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed.

The next day,
he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth.

    Three young princes took up the challenge.  

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.
But alas,
once the princess touched it,
it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

  The second prince brought a huge diamond,
thinking that diamond is the hardest substance
in the world and would not melt.
But alas,
once the princess touched it,
it melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

    The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there."
The princess did as she was told,
though she turned
red.
She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
    And it did not melt!!!

  The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess
and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:

What was the object in the prince's pants?

          (Scroll down for the answer)

    They were M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?

Author Unknown - if you know the name of the author, please send me an email so I can give proper credit


Tanning

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thingie'. So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thingie' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"


Vital Statistics


Questions & Answers

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way!

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.


Important Questions:


How Do You Know You're in California?

  1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
  2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
  3. You are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
  4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, is named Breeze.
  5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?
  6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
  7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
  8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest Arugula.
  9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
  10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
  11. Gasoline costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the US (not so it seems to you lucky midwesterners).
  12. A man is in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps. You don't even notice.
  13. The guy at 8:30 am at Star bucks who's wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
  14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
  15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
  16. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000'.
  17. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks, himself, is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
  18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
  19. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
  20. You AND your dog have therapists.

Password Security

I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password ... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect ... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis" ... I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***


Brain Surgery

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


The Question

6th grade science teacher, Mr. Sampson, asks his class: Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raised a hand, so he called on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" she says.

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but not daunted, he asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson. Sam answers, "Sir, the correct answer is the pupil of the human eye." Mr. Sampson says, "Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Then, turning to Mary, he says, "Mary, I have three things to say to you: First, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework; second, you have a DIRTY mind; and third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."


Mildred

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


Ducks

Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death. Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one.

The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow.

I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away. Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "But I stepped on a duck..."


To women every where, from a man who's had enough!

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

3. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

6. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

7. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

15. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

16. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

17. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

18. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

19. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

21. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

22. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

23. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

24. Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

25. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.

26. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

27. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

28. If it itches, it will be scratched.

29. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

30. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

31. What the hell is a doily?


Honey My Breast Are To Small!

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he said.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Why not?" The husband shrugged. "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Note: He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.


Survey

In a recent survey, when 100,000 women were asked, ""Would you have an affair with Bill Clinton"" ....... 75% said, ""Never again!""


Another Viagra Joke

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

"The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm passed eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."


Useful Phrases to Use at Work


Redneck Etiquette

*Taste*
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

*Hygiene*
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a women's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

*Dating* (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say 10:00 P.M.; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

*Theater Etiquette*
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

*Weddings*
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

*Driving Etiquette*
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad


The End Result

FATHER: "Daughter, today you are 18 years old. Take this check to your mother and tell her this is the last support check she will ever get from me, and watch the expression on her face!"

DAUGHTER: "Ok, Dad."

DAUGHTER: "Here Mom. Dad told me to give you this check and tell you that since I'm 18 now, it's the last support check you will ever get from him. Then he told me to watch the expression on your face."

MOM: "Well Honey, go tell him that he's not really your father and watch the expression on HIS face."


A Thought for Christmas

Do you know what would have happened 

If it had been Three Wise Women 

Instead of Three Wise Men?

 

They would have asked directions, 

Arrived on time, 

Helped deliver the baby, 

Cleaned the stable, 

Made a casserole, 

Brought practical gifts and 

There would be Peace on Earth.


Nice Language

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop; and her son saying: "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today; and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


Who Makes the Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty, But in Golf Aren't:

10.Damn...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty, But at the Office Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office it isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!!!


Gay Man Goes to Heaven

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.


Santa's Tally

Ho Ho Ho,

Hello out there all people of the world.

This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year.

See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.

The first result showed: 428,534,120 Good 428,523,119 Bad

The second result showed: 428,534,118 Good 428,523,121 Bad

So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.

So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant.

You know, Good...and Bad? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.

So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times,

Santa


Country Lad

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman. "Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"


The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

- "Hello?"

- "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

- "Yes."

- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

- "What's the price?"

- "Only $1,500.00"

- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

- "What price did he quote you?"

- "Only $60,000..."

- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

- "Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

- "What?"

- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property..."

- "How much are they asking?"

- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" - "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?


You don't know Jack

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Well, thanks to the following genealogical efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children. Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt